We had gone to the seminary doctor five weeks prior and were given the opportunity to see the baby's heart beating. It was amazing. When I saw the heart of my child beating on the screen it almost seemed as if my heart raced to keep up with it. I was flooded with excitement, pride, love, hope, joy, and every other emotion that comes with being an expectant father. You would think after four children you would get use to it. I remember being so astonished at the work of God in creating life.
Needless to say, the second ultra sound did not prove to be as inviting. As I mentioned before, I have four children. I have seen several ultrasounds. I am no expert by any means but I know what a heart beat looks like, and I did not see one. I looked anxiously at the screen to see if I could make out anything, all the while keeping a straight face so not to invite fear in Stacy. She could not see the ultrasound and was trying to read my face for a verdict. With a bit of panic she asked me what I saw. Truthfully, the only thing I could tell her was that I was not sure. I had a hunch, though.
The doctor came in about an hour later. He told us that Stacy's hormone levels were not where they should be for being eleven weeks pregnant. The size of the baby was only eight weeks and there was no sign of a heart beat. Considering that fact that we saw a heart beat at six weeks the doctor concluded that the baby had stopped developing and was dead. Being that the baby was only eight weeks in size, Stacy's body would more than likely take care of things naturally (Unfortunately, this did not happen. I will have to post another blog to explain it.). Again, another phenomenal testimony of the complexity and sufficiency of human beings created in God's image, but an experience I would wish on no one. There is something tragically surreal about having to flush down the toilet the remains of a child you'd hoped to love and raise up in the Lord.
What makes this more disheartening is that we made a big deal about being pregnant to our children. We loaded the clan into the mini-van and went to Build-a-Bear. All of the children were given a stuffed monkey when they were babies. Stacy and I thought it would be cool to tell the children about the baby by making a stuffed monkey and seeing if they could guess why we would need another one. To make it even better, we took a picture of all the children sitting on a bench in sequential order holding their monkey and their birth number; Naomi was one, Ethan was two, Abigail was three, Abram was four, and the monkey was five. It was a remarkable picture. We posted it on Facebook to let everyone know we were expecting. Oddly enough, the monkey and the picture serve as reminder of a baby that will not come.
I laid in bed for a few moments thinking about how I was going to lead my family through this experience. I settled on making a big breakfast; pancakes, eggs, sausage, juice, etc, and discussing it with them at the table. We do most of our family discussions at the table. I rounded everyone for breakfast, said the blessing, and started with normal cordial conversation. With a small prayer, I jumped in and asked for everyone's attention. I glanced at my plate for a second, putting my thoughts and words in order, looked into the eyes of my children, and told them that mommy was no longer having a baby. The chitter-chatter that comes with small children at the breakfast table stopped. Stacy and Naomi were visibly upset. Ethan put his head down to think about what I had just said, and Abram just, well, kept on being Abram. As far as he was concerned, his food was getting cold and he had a trike calling his name after breakfast.
Abigail threw us a curve ball. With her head down, she pushed herself back from the table and walked upstairs to her room. We could hear her crying. Not very loud, just a touch of whimpering. After a few moments she came back down stairs and sat in her mommy's lap and asked about the monkey. "What are we going to do with the monkey mommy?" she asked quietly. Stacy and I asked the same question. What do you do with a sentimental gift that was meant someone who we will never meet? We did not have an immediate answer. She looked at me and asked, "Why is mommy not having a baby?" Here is the million dollar question; and knowing Abigail, she was looking for a million dollar answer.
There are are two truths that umbrella this question. First, God is in the heavens and He does what He pleases (Psalm 115:3). That is, the universe is under His sovereign control and is guided by his all-knowing, absolute, uncompromising power. God is the sole owner of everything in this universe (Psalm 50:7-15). There is not a star in the universe that He does not call by name (Isaiah 40:26). The sun obediently rises and sets at His command (Jeremiah 31:35). The seasons come and go at His bidding (Genesis 8:22). Kings and presidents are built up and torn down at His good pleasure (Daniel 2:21-22). He is the giver and taker of all life (Psalm 139:14-17; Job 1:21).
Second, we live in a broken world. In Genesis 3:14-17, God curses the world for the rebellion of Adam and Eve. Sin entered the world through their treason and brought death and destruction. God told Eve that her womb would be broken. Not only would she experience tremendous pain in child bearing, but death would also wreak havoc on her children; in and out of the womb. Miscarriages are a part of the fall.
One of my responsibilities as a parent is to give my children a framework that helps them work through life's trials. I do not have all of the answers. In many situations, they will not be given a direct answer as to why something happened. However, God has given us truths about Himself and about the world we live in that helps guide our thinking and comfort our soul in the midst of uncertainty and hurt. There are six truths about God I gave my children to hold onto when they are troubled with wondering why mommy is not having a baby anymore. All of them came from Psalm 139.
1. God is sovereign (Psalm 139:1-6). The text reminds us that there is not a word on our tongue that God does not know before hand (Psalm 139:4). He knows our thoughts before we think them (Psalm 139:2). He encircles around us. Nothing can happen to us unless God gives His permission (Psalm 139:5). Who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor; for from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things (Romans 11:33-36).
2. Nothing can escape His presence (Psalm 139:7-12). There is no place on this earth (in or out of the womb), in this universe, or in heaven or in hell, where God does not say, "Here I am." God is always aware, attentive, and acting for His glory and our joy.
3. God creates life (Psalm 139: 13-16). We all know the science behind how a baby is made. The bible also makes clear that God is there in the womb creating, knitting, fashioning, a wonderful and remarkable life created in His image (Genesis 1:27).
4. God numbers our days (Psalm 139:16). The text tells us that our days are numbered and written in a book. Some of us will live eighty years on this earth. Others will perish weeks after conception. Our baby was allowed to live in the womb approximately eight weeks. Some would say that eight weeks in a uterus is not much of a life. I would beg to differ. My life is forever changed because of this child. Because of the life of this child I have found a deeper intimacy with God, His church, and my family. Because of the life of this child people are actively hearing and testifying to the glory and significance of our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Because the life of this child some are reading this blog right now and are being encouraged in the gospel. For only living eight weeks in the womb, the child has done much for the kingdom of God.
5. God is incomprehensible (Psalm 139:17-18). God is vast and His thoughts are beyond our finite understanding. He is eternal. It will take an eternity to scratch the surface of the mystery and complexity of our creator. Nevertheless, He gives us His name and desires to be known. He wants to know us and be with us. His incomprehensibility does not prohibit his intimacy with us. Even though David cannot understand the intricacies of Yahweh, he stills says, "I am with You." (Psalm 139: 18)
All of that being said, the question for us is not "why" this happened. We know that part of God's sovereignty entails Him being omniscient. Our faith is in the fact that He knows why things happen; namely because He ordains them. The better question for us is, "How are we going to draw closer to God through this trial? How are we going to be made more like Christ through trials and tribulations? How will we learn to love our neighbor as our self? How will we seek to uphold life in our culture? Even more so, how will we embrace the gospel as Christ as embraced us?" The answer to these questions will produce more fruit and more faith in our lives, in our church, and in our community than wondering "why."
6. God is merciful. Repent and seek the way of everlasting (Psalm 139: 19-24) All who are born of Adam are sinners. All of us are hostile to God and refuse to submit to His law (Romans 8:7-8) We all walk in the flesh carrying out our evil desires. We are by nature children of wrath (Ephesians 2:3). However, by His grace He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. In doing this, He offers a way of reconciliation. Those who embrace Christ move from being sons and daughters of wrath to sons and daughters of His inheritance (Ephesians 1:1-14). Anytime we are faced with death we should remember that sin brings death; not only physical death but also eternal separation from our Creator. It is by God's mercy that we are alive. It is by His grace that we are hearing his word and have the opportunity to respond and accept his forgiveness. Therefore, I encourage you to ask God to search you and know your heart. Test your motives and see if there is something that is sitting on the rightful throne of God in your heart. Death has a way of giving one strength to crush superficial idols.
With these six truths I hope my children will have a better understanding of the world they live in, the life they are called to, and the God whom they serve. I cannot promise them that something like this will never happen again. Actually, I can almost guarantee that more trials are on the horizon. What I am certain of is that these six truths about God will give them everything they will need for navigating through life's difficulties. Even more so, it will help them to do it with a heart of thankfulness and hope. They will know that every ounce of pain will serve the purpose of a good and kind God who is working out His glory and their joy. It will help them to work through the sadness of a miscarriage, hold onto the monkey in hope, and testify the goodness of King Jesus.
