Marriage: Four Things I Have learned in Ten Years of Marriage

Tell Me No Lies and Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Gary Thomas wrote a book called "Sacred Marriage."  He writes the book on the premise that marriage is primarily about your sanctification.  In short he says, "Marriage is more about your holiness than it is about your happiness." I believe this statement is true.  Don't get me wrong, I am happily married and hope to stay that way until the Lord brings me home.  At the same time, I have to tell you after ten years of marriage it has not been all happy.  Stacy and I have had our moments, times of despair, maybe even hopelessness, when we did not know if the levy was going to hold.  We have experienced many of life's tsunami's; debt, disease, depression, death, (which all seem to come in waves of three) and have felt the immense weight they bring with them.   Every time our marriage was on the brink of being crushed to death, I found that death was not the ultimate goal.  A new understanding of our life together intermingled with profound purpose and deeper intimacy; that was the goal.  Anyone who has been married long enough can attest to the old adage of whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.  With that same essence, marriage has taught me that God intends marriage to be at work in making both Stacy and I more like Christ.  Sometimes that is worked out in seasons of joy and happiness.  Many times it is tried in fire and wielded with iron. (Proverbs 27:17)

More Than a Feeling

One of the biggest bubbles I had busted was my over romanticized view of love in marriage.  I grew up in a culture that taught love is a feeling that must be present in order to love someone.  If that feeling is not there, then you must not be in love, and therefore the relationship is finished; regardless of your children or the repercussions on other people’s life.  This is absolutely absurd.  Love is not merely a feeling.  Love is a choice.  It is a commitment.  Love sticks around when the feelings jump ship.  Love tells the self that it is not all about you.  It says, “Get off the computer, bathe the children, and give her a minute to herself;” even though you have had a long day.  Love values “I’m sorry” over “I’m right.”  Love does not need porn for arousal.  Loves thinks it is idiotic to drink from someone else’s drain when you have your own well at home. (Proverbs 5:15-23)  Love tells adultery to "get lost… and if I see you around here again you will be on the business end of butt whooping." (Proverbs 7:6-27)   Love is not bound by the laws of gravity.  It sees the as much beauty in the things that are now down that were once up.   Love actually believes for sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part actually really means for sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.   In other words, after ten years of marriage, I have learned that love is more than said or felt, it is done. 

Grow Old with Me

I have come to realize that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.  A marathon is trying and exhausting.  It takes a great deal of commitment and effort to prepare for and finish the race.  It is definitely not for the faint of heart, and neither is marriage.  After ten years of marriage, God has shown me that Stacy and I have really only just begun to know each other.  Marriage, with all of its complexities, cannot not be fully appreciated in 5-7 years; the going rate of most marriages today.  God intended marriage to a lifelong pursuit of deepening intimacy with Himself and your spouse.  Intimacy with your spouse takes a lifetime to enjoy.  I think it would be cool to cross the finish line of life wearing the crown of a fifty year marriage.  (Proverbs 5:18-19; Malachi 2:14-16; Romans 7:2)
  

It Takes Three To Make A Thing Go Right

Marriage is a one-flesh union, divinely bound by God, between a man and a woman who have committed to keep their covenant love, for God and one another, until separated by death. (Genesis 2:18-25)  Marriage is meant to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church and to testify of His faithfulness.  Marriage is a parable of the way Christ loves His church and how He expects the church to love Him. In this light, I am to love my wife with a Christ like, sacrificial, life-giving kind of love that seeks to present Stacy blameless before the Lord.  Stacy is to honor and affirm my headship with a Christ-centered submission that sees to use her gifts in accordance with my leadership (Ephesians 5:18-25).  In this, the world will see the magnificence of the glory of God and the fidelity of Christ to His church.  This cannot be done with grit and shear determination.  The Lord must be at the core and center of the marriage.